Alright, you’ve seen the countless Instagram posts of jagoffs at the Eiffel Tower or posing on a gondola in Venice. Those wankers are walking cliches that I’d love to take the piss out on.
You don’t have to follow the herd into the tourist traps! You want a fucking European vacation that doesn’t make your bank account whimper and is not the same bloody travel influences blog posting from 2018? Then bollocks to the customary destinations and do something fucking original for one time in your bloody life.
Bypass Paris like it’s got the plague
Paris is a stunning city. You’ve read about it. You’ve seen too many movies set in it. But it’s all dog shit on the sidewalks and tourist berets drinking overpriced lattes in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. It’s also a den of thieves. Instead, hop on a train to Lyon. It’s like Paris’s younger, cooler sibling – amazing food, fewer tourists, and you won’t feel like you need a bloody loan to get a croissant.
Forget Venice; try Bologna
Oh, the fucking gondola rides! The canals! The tourists who desperately selecting Instagram filters! Ditch Venice for Bologna because only the former is full of baloney at this point. With its medieval architecture and culinary delights, this place will have you stuffing your face with pasta that won’t cost you an arm and a leg. Not to mention, no canals mean fewer selfie sticks to grab and shatter.
Ditch London for Newcastle
Big Ben is a fucking clock. Have you seen clocks before? Skip the capital and head north to Newcastle for the vibe, the nightlife, and the affordable pints! Plus, you can try ‘Geordie’ – the unique accent that sounds like a drunken penguin, with all the charm and none of the price tag.
Skip Barcelona and hit Bilbao
Another bloody Spanish gem full of sunburned tourists who have just had their second pitcher of sangria. Biddy about Basque Country, Bilbao serves up delicious pintxos (that’s tapas, but cooler) and has the stunning Guggenheim without hordes of people screaming at a statue of a cat (yes, really).
Instead of Amsterdam, try Ghent
Ah, Amsterdam! The land of bikes, canals, and coffeeshops that make you forget your last name. Ghent is like Amsterdam but with fewer tourists trying to figure out how to ride a bike after a few too many brownies. Plus, you can hop on a tram and see a castle. Yep, a castle! How many castles do you see in Amsterdam?
Ditch Munich for Nuremberg
Instead of downing a pint in a massive tent with hundreds of drunken idiots at Oktoberfest, why not wander the charming streets of Nuremberg? It’s so much less of a trial (see what I did there?). Less crowds, plenty of sausages, and you can quaff your beer in peace.
Final Thoughts
So there you have it, folks! Europe is a treasure trove of experiences beyond the bloody mainstream. You can enjoy breathtaking views, fantastic food, and you won’t need to make your bank account cry into its pillow at night. With a little creativity and an adventurous spirit, you can savagely dodge the tourist traps and indulge in the real Europe. Just remember, travel is about experience – and perhaps a good pint along the way – not about where everyone else is pushing you.
The Nooze’s travel section has extensive off-the-beaten-path travel guides in our WTFAID series. Why don’t you get inspired over there? But then again, you’re probably a fucking wanker, so maybe just stay in Peoria?
