Our Working Life columnist, Angie Knuckles, white knuckles it to work in her 2008 Altima while listening to John Mayer. She worries about our futures so we don’t have to. She’s also secretly sleeping with a married man in Sales [ed note: I know but please remove this before publication].
In a time of constant change, it’s good to know that some things are constant. The only true path to corporate advancement can still be best described with this short motto: Cup the balls, lick the taint, suck the dick.
If you want to ascend the ranks, the only way to do so is to give your boss’s ego a good spit polishing. Do you have your oral degree in flattery?
This isn’t about creative brainstorming sessions or showcasing your impressive skill set. No, my friends. Forget about that Harvard MBA or years of hard work. Those are relics of a bygone era. Today, the true key to success is the age-old art of suck-up-itude. Some simple tips:
- Beware of being a team player. Joining an orgy of compliments with your manager and other teammates may mean that you don’t get the credit you deserve.
- Make sure to blow the trumpet of your achievements – don’t hide behind the glory-hole!
- Remember to maintain eye contact while working the shaft.
- If you’ve got some natural floaters, make sure to let them spit-shine!
Follow these simple rules and you’ll gag on promotions.
