When Would Jesus Leaf Blow?

Saturday morning in suburbia. Jesus, our Lord and savior, has finally decided to address the leaves that have taken over his back lawn. A leaf blower appears. You would think he might prefer a more traditional, organic approach—perhaps turning the leaves into something wonderful, a la water into wine. But no, we’re in the 2020s, and even the Son of God loves a time-saver.

Clad in sandals and a flowing robe, wielding the latest electric leaf blower. He fires it up, and suddenly, the Holy Spirit is flowing through those power cords. As he revs it up, he chuckles to himself, thinking, “This is like my loaves and fishes moment, but with a more pleasant hum.”

The neighbors peek over the fence, wondering if it’s time for their weekly sermon, but no, it’s just Jesus enjoying the simple pleasures of suburban life. “Can I get an ‘Amen!’ for a well-manicured lawn?” he jokes, as he playfully sends a cloud of leaves swirling into the air. The neighbors smile, because they kind of have to if they want a chance at eternal life. When back in their house, they wonder who the fuck he thinks he is and they call the city to leave a blistering voicemail.

On Monday evening, Jesus opens his mailbox and discovered a $100 citation for disturbance of the peace during unauthorized hours. He mutters, “Who the fuck do they think they are dealing with?”