Anytown, USA. Apple pies. Kittens with mittens. AK-47s. Kids doing unsupervised laundry.

A washing machine manufacturer has solved a problem that has vexed parents for decades: how can they get their kids to stop proactively using the washer and dryer?

“It’s all my Johnny wanted to do every day when he woke up,” observed Betsy Betstein, “He would sneak down to the laundry room with his sheets with a look of guilty pleasure.”

Teens were outraged, as you can imagine. “My needs will not be thrown into a damp pile in the corner of my room!” screamed Midwestern teen Cody Codysten. “You can’t deter my love of detergent.  You will not bleach my dreams!”