Condemns Whitley sophomore to life of poverty and early death.

Midwestern man is claiming ignorance and pleading poverty, unwilling to acknowledge that he is ultimately wholly responsible for the gender wage gap for at least one area millennial.

“She wanted an extra quarter an hour, like I’m some kind of Vegas slot machine,” observed Iowan proctologist Ewen Mcdigger. “Do you know where I have to go to make my money?”

That wage gap set the stage for a lifetime of misery and sadness for Christy McDougall.

It’s not like I murdered her with my stinginess. Did I? (He did.)

She always seemed to fall 25 cents short for everything she needed from then on. The first time was when she was a quarter short on bus fare, and had to navigate gator-filled swampland to get home. Then it was for the bike she wanted, so she didn’t have to walk the 12 mile distance to and from school every day. Then it was tuition for that state college. Then it was for that basement apartment with three roommates. Finally, it was for that life-saving medicine to survive malaria. She never learned where she contracted it, but is convined it was when she was 25 cents short when trying to purchase bug spray.

We’ll never know what her epitaph would have been, because her daughter was 25 cents short for the cost of the tombstone.