“You expected something more contemporary?” laughs incredulous canine.

Confounding expectations, midwestern good boy Sergeant Woofies picked a most unusual hobby, especially for a dog: long-form translation.

“It started that miserable winter we had two years ago,” observed Woofies, as he took breaks to lick himself vigorously and with determination. “By the second polar vortex, I was reaching for the bookshelf for something to occupy my mind.”

Woofies’ best human, a hind-leg navigating faceless being that Woofies calls simply “Man”, tried to direct Woofies to easier books like Hop On Pop. “I just thought, if you’re going to start a new hobby, why do the most challenging stuff first?”

“I’m not sure why I’ve taken the longest narratives in the house, but I’ve always loved a challenge. I think it’s actually easier to do than Hop on Pop because I haven’t perfected the art of succinctness. Besides, have you ever seen a border collie who could appreciate economy of word choice?” Woofies laughed hysterically at the thought, and then proceeded to lick himself veraciously again.

“And really, it’s not that different than trying to dig the ball out from under the basement sofa. The hardest part is getting the books off the shelves and turning the pages, what with the not having opposable thumbs and all.”