Is your facade of competence as believable as the faux concern you have for your direct reports?

You, sweet beautiful you. You’ve kissed the CEO’s ass all year with unmatched energy and verve. But what about your team’s cellulite-ridden buttocks? Are they prepared to eat your shit and call it the finest Swiss chocolate?

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Follow these tips to the executive bathroom key and all-expenses trip to Cabo San Cabo:

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1. Play the happy clown. Show up early, stay late. Sure, you won’t be doing anything but attending meetings and pretending to take on action items that you then delegate to someone who might have a clue, but nothing earns respect better than being seen at the office!

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2. Save some of your tongue for your equals. You can only fellate your manager so many times before he has blue balls. Why not lick the rectum of the other people who report to him as well? Lord knows that’s better and easier than actually figuring out your own team’s needs and issues.

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3. Manage sporadically. Nobody likes it when their boss knows everything, so they love you! Be oblivious to your team’s day-to-day duties and accomplishments. By the time anything has been around long enough to fail, you’ll have moved on. It’s like growing a mustache. Why would you shave it for 25 years when you can instead keep it groomed and saying, “I’m partying like it’s still 1978! What do you mean it isn’t?”

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4. Spread the bullshit like Nutella. Everyone gets a taste. After all, if you say bullshit to the same person all the time, they may be able to prove your incompetence. It should be like a minefield. The best minefields are unpredictable. And whatever you do, don’t keep a map of the steaming piles you’ve left behind.

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5. Laugh at the monkeys. Your team doesn’t like you. Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em! Tell them the same story over and over like it’s the first time you’ve told them the story. Know one thing about each person and always reference to it when talking to the person. If you know Johnny went to summer camp in Santa Fe when he was 12, repeat that every fucking time you see him. It keeps him in his place. Nothing says, “You’re expendable” like your boss demonstrating that he doesn’t need to make an effort. When you tire of that, just talk about Grand Funk Railroad! The fucking Funk, man!

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