We can’t have nice things anymore.

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Three decades ago, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy had a torrid affair. The Clauses were on a trial separation at the time. With their busy schedules and different interests, they thought their secret would end there. But on Christmas Eve 2019, Tommy Douglas’ second molar had other plans.

Santa happened to pick Tommy’s house for one of the many Christmas night dumps he always takes – what he called “coal in your stocking” – because of the “opening night jitters” and to the pockets of methamphetamines needed to maintain the pace of the night.

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As he left the bathroom, he saw movement in Tommy’s room. Thinking it was the child waking up, he was reaching into a pocket for his chloroform handkerchief to use to knock out the child, as was his custom. As he reached into his pocket, he heard a soft voice whisper…

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Tooth Fairy: Nicholas?

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Santa Claus : Violet? Is that you? Why, I haven’t seen you since…

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TF: … you climbed down my chimney and then took off in your sleigh?

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SC: Now, now. You know that’s not what happened.

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TF: You told Krampus that I left pixie dust on your johnson that didn’t go away for weeks.

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Santa had only discussed the affair with one person, Krampus. When he did, he described the Tooth Fairy as “a flying ballerina, but also bear like”. In the decades since they last saw each other, her appearance hadn’t changed a bit, whereas Santa had become even more grotesquely obese. This realization filled Santa with shame, and when he returned to the North Pole later that night he took out all his anger on the elves, beating many of them into comas.

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SC: Do you know how hard it is to explain away dick pixie dust? I had to say it was sand that blew up onto me while I dropped a deuce in the desert.

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TF: You and your bowel movements. I can’t believe you wanted me to drop one of mine into your beard.

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SC: I was joking. Mrs. Claus and I had gotten into a rut and I needed something exciting. Having the reindeers watch us do it by the light of Rudolph’s nose wasn’t doing it anymore.

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Little Tommy started waking up at this moment.

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TF, to SC: Get your magic blankie, quick.

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Santa sedated little Tommy with the handkerchief.

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SC: I don’t know about you, but that turned me on like an incel in a Pepe-themed Reddit thread.

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End of Act 1.

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