The latest installment in our series profiling the good people of the heartland.

n

Midwestern man Charles Durant believes that on the whole, he’s a net positive on everything around him. Below is a brief transcript of his conversation with this reporter.

So what would you say is one of the main reasons you’re a good person?

n

I’ve donated to charity.

n

Oh great. Like to who?

n

I forget. But I gave it my 1989 Buick Lesabre. That thing could still bring the boys to the yard. Like, it had a backseat people could sit in when going places.

n

Ok, so you forget the name. What was the cause behind it?

n

I wanted a charitable tax break.

n

I mean what did the charity do?

n

It fed the homeless or housed the hungry or cured AIDS or SIDS or something. They do great work, those guys.

n

Ok, apart from charity, how else are you a helper?

n

Just yesterday, I let a car get in front of me in traffic at one of those highway merges. You know, instead of trying to ram them off the road.

n

Was that a likely scenario?

n

Some of the voices were telling me to do it, yeah.

Durant attributes lack of effort to improve world to “who has that kind of time?”

Ok, other examples?

n

You know how when it snows and the sidewalks aren’t big enough for people to pass each other?

n

Sure.

n

Man, I let someone pass first just the other day. Didn’t even accidentally push them into a snowbank, the ungrateful bastard. Or her toddler either.

“I’m Not the Problem”, Man Wrongly Concludes

We’re running out of time and out of patience. Anything else you want to add?

n

I had a dog once. Fed it daily.