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You Done Fucked Up, Ewen
Condemns Whitley sophomore to life of poverty and early death. Midwestern man is claiming ignorance and pleading poverty, unwilling to acknowledge that he is ultimately wholly responsible for the gender wage gap for at least…
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In the Room With: Guns N Roses
Welcome to the orphanage, we’ll now have money for games. In The Room is our exclusive behind-the-scenes questionably-sourced comprehensive guide to the stories behind the stories of the stories with people so convincing you are…
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Meme Ends Pandemic!
Scientists confirm that a FaceBook post in January 2021 was the official cause of the end of the COVID-19 pandemic. Nella Johnson didn’t know the power of that fateful Facebook post until her mother immediately…
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Denim Man Mows the Streets
Nobody knows where he comes from, but those pants were definitely bought at Kohl’s. In the wee hours of the morning and in the last rays of the evening’s light, he can be seen on…
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Opinion: Cross Commemorates Something Too Inconsequential to Commemorate in Perpetuity
At least be dead if you’re going to demand a moment’s attention! When I used to drive down Route 6, I often became saddened at the site of the many white wooden crosses by the…
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Dog Translating Full Tolstoy Catalog
“You expected something more contemporary?” laughs incredulous canine. Confounding expectations, midwestern good boy Sergeant Woofies picked a most unusual hobby, especially for a dog: long-form translation. “It started that miserable winter we had two years…
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Washer Soils Kids’ Dreams
Anytown, USA. Apple pies. Kittens with mittens. AK-47s. Kids doing unsupervised laundry. A washing machine manufacturer has solved a problem that has vexed parents for decades: how can they get their kids to stop proactively…
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New Series Review: “Pedophile Pete”
Guest written by Johnson Tattler, Midwestern Lead for NAMBLA “Now THAT’s what I call a lunch box!” laughed actor Johnny Quick, while reading the opening line of the opening episode of this heartwarming comedy that…
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You Disappointed the Dog
Heroic dog uses quarantine time to provide detailed feedback to owner The following is a small portion of the feedback received by Midwestern dog owner Buddy Johannssen, from his Pekanese-Chihuahua, Tuffy. “Why do you waste…
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Satan’s Minions
Your prostate, our prostate.