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Man Communicates Solely Through Yard Signs
Hasn’t talked with another human being this year. In an area full of yard signs supporting #BLM, emergency workers, and school-graduation related congratulations, one yard sticks out: Bert McIlvoy’s. n Like any mediocre white man,…
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NCAA Triples Athlete Salaries
Our COVID-19 Generosity Is Rated NCAA+ By Us! In a magnanimous gesture that should be celebrated across the land, NCAA President Grubs Monklee announced that unpaid student athletes would receive a multiple for their unpaid…
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The New Morning Routine
We switched Chad Johnson’s normal coffee with the weight of 400 years of systemic oppression. Let’s see if he can tell the difference. Nothing beats a good cup of joe in the morning to get…
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Masses Excited at COVID-19 Inspired Food Trends
Combination of food scarcity and celebrity pretentiousness promises an avalanche of bullshit food crazes “Will it be a basil cleanse?” asked Midwesterner Ashley Jackson, 23, as she spent her 43rd day in a row in…
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Fab Five Managerial Mantras
Is your facade of competence as believable as the faux concern you have for your direct reports? You, sweet beautiful you. You’ve kissed the CEO’s ass all year with unmatched energy and verve. But what…
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IT Successfully Stops All Logins
CIO Trumpets Hacker-Proof Systems that coincidentally have ceased all worker productivity. “We haven’t had one suspect entry,” crowed Midwestern CIO Dean Fahtsby, “that’s the headline for the next widely-anticipated IT newsletter!”. n When it was…
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Hotel Room Unlivable
What kind of Macchiavelli designed this room? Having endured broken bouts of sleep all night thanks to a large blue screen hanging overhead that he couldn’t turn off, Midwestern sales consultant Dink Councelman acknowledged a…
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Use Your Disillusion
Lover of hard rock can’t even get a “where do we go now?” in GnR-themed store Midwestern IT consultant IT security consultant and full-time headbanger Chip Johnson thought he got a glimpse of Paradise City…
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Traveller Regresses
Can’t help himself despite understand deeply troubling colonial past of country he is visiting
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Unsurprising Mentos Survey
More Mentos end of on airport floors than anywhere else A groundbreaking study commissioned by candy experts reveals the final destination of the candy, in spite of nobody asking for this information. n “44.6% of…
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Satan’s Minions
Your prostate, our prostate.
