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  • NCAA Triples Athlete Salaries

    Our COVID-19 Generosity Is Rated NCAA+ By Us! In a magnanimous gesture that should be celebrated across the land, NCAA President Grubs Monklee announced that unpaid student athletes would receive a multiple for their unpaid…

  • The New Morning Routine

    We switched Chad Johnson’s normal coffee with the weight of 400 years of systemic oppression. Let’s see if he can tell the difference. Nothing beats a good cup of joe in the morning to get…

  • Masses Excited at COVID-19 Inspired Food Trends

    Combination of food scarcity and celebrity pretentiousness promises an avalanche of bullshit food crazes “Will it be a basil cleanse?” asked Midwesterner Ashley Jackson, 23, as she spent her 43rd day in a row in…

  • Fab Five Managerial Mantras

    Is your facade of competence as believable as the faux concern you have for your direct reports? You, sweet beautiful you. You’ve kissed the CEO’s ass all year with unmatched energy and verve. But what…

  • IT Successfully Stops All Logins

    CIO Trumpets Hacker-Proof Systems that coincidentally have ceased all worker productivity. “We haven’t had one suspect entry,” crowed Midwestern CIO Dean Fahtsby, “that’s the headline for the next widely-anticipated IT newsletter!”. n When it was…

  • Hotel Room Unlivable

    What kind of Macchiavelli designed this room? Having endured broken bouts of sleep all night thanks to a large blue screen hanging overhead that he couldn’t turn off, Midwestern sales consultant Dink Councelman acknowledged a…

  • Use Your Disillusion

    Lover of hard rock can’t even get a “where do we go now?” in GnR-themed store Midwestern IT consultant IT security consultant and full-time headbanger Chip Johnson thought he got a glimpse of Paradise City…

  • Traveller Regresses

    Can’t help himself despite understand deeply troubling colonial past of country he is visiting

  • Unsurprising Mentos Survey

    More Mentos end of on airport floors than anywhere else A groundbreaking study commissioned by candy experts reveals the final destination of the candy, in spite of nobody asking for this information. n “44.6% of…

  • Masterful French Joke

    Paris Airport Revealed As World’s Longest Running Prank Undermining decades of evidence regarding their lack of humor and the inefficiencies of their labor systems, The French revealed today that Charles De Gaulle airport has actually…

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Satan’s Minions

Your prostate, our prostate.

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